I don’t have the mental wherewithal to write a narrative piece these days, since my youngest daughter treats each evening like an all-night party at Bonnaroo. Except substitute breast milk in place of acid. For her; not for me. In any event, we got nothing but lists on this menu today, so before I pass out at my computer, allow me to present you with my 10 undeniable truths of parenthood.
1. Parenthood is not glamorous.
The other morning, I found myself covered in vomit, urine, and feces. And then I had to actually get up and go pick up the kids from grandma’s house. A girl can’t recover in peace like she used to. And don’t even get me started on the premature lactation. I’m covered in breast milk these days.
2. You start to view your animals in a different light.
Before Brooke was born, I viewed both of my dogs as my babies and made sure to treat them as such. These days, they’re seldom more than a constant annoyance. Not that I sit around looking up their breeds’ life expectancies or anything. I totally don’t have that page bookmarked.
3. If you’re a SAHM, expect to be approached at least once by a direct-sales company.
After I published my HuffPost article on being a stay-at-home parent, a guy from It Works messaged me on Facebook in order to find out if I were interested in joining the team. I momentarily considered messaging him back and asking about the salary, just because I wanted to see what he thought losing all of your friends was worth, but decided against it, because…dignity.
4. The world is a scary place for a parent.
Have you ever looked at the sex offender registry for your neighborhood? Yeah, well don’t. It’s shockingly full. There were so many red dots, it looked like the before picture in a ProActiv commercial. I immediately shut down Firefox and made a beeline for the nearest firearms broker. And now I have to register as a Republican.
5. Hot meals are hard to come by.
Every parent knows that in order to get a meal in, sometimes you just have to eat what your kids eat. Which is why for dinner, I had a coloring book.
6. “Love at first sight” isn’t always a given.
As with Brooke, I expect my love for Blake to grow steadily over time. Because as of now, you may as well put a onesie on a turnip and our interactions would be about parallel.
7. Romance takes a backseat.
The other day, my husband told me that my nipples looked, and I quote, “reproductive.” I was waiting for my pumpkin and carriage to appear, because I felt like a regular Cinderella.
8. Kids are self-destructive. Or maybe just destructive.
My infant keeps taking her mittens off, and I return to find a child whose dreams must have featured Freddy Krueger himself. Meanwhile, the other child is running around growling like a deranged psychopath, biting on things in such a way that I feel compelled to rub her with garlic and run a wooden stake through her chest. Rabies shots have never seemed so appealing. And I can’t with Brooke’s room. It’s even messier than Taylor Swift’s breakups. It constantly looks like Hurricane Katrina’s coked-up older brother has just blown through.
9. “Child proof” may as well be synonymous with “adult proof.”
Seriously, how the heck am I supposed to operate some of these things? We put up a gate to the kitchen in order to keep Brooke out, but it had the unintended consequence of keeping me out too. Although, let’s be honest, that’s probably for the best.
1o. Grandparents are LYFE.
Where else can you get free babysitting? Thanks to my mom, I was actually able to go hang out with friends the other day. It was glorious. We drank craft beers and wine and played this new game called Exploding Kittens; a game that proves that pussy cats really do have 9 lives — and thanks to 2 c-sections, mine’s had 3.
That’s all for now, folks!