As we all know, there are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and secret meth labs in homes that have been tented for fumigation. But a very close runner-up is the undeniable truth that, at one point or another, a pregnant woman is going to rage. Most of the time, I’d like to think that I’m a pretty chipper person. But every now and again, I have a day like today, where I just want to cry and I don’t know why (cough, estrogen). So despite the fact that I loathe Seinfeld, I’m declaring today Festivus and unleashing my grievances onto the world (or the roughly 21 people who read this blog).
1. Individuals who ask you when you’re due…when you’re 3 weeks postpartum. Thanks for the confidence boost, twatwaffle.
2. When you spend 9 months cooking your daughter, and she comes out looking like a fun-sized clone of your husband. I mean, I could have lived with her skipping out on some of my genes (See: Unibrow), but everything? Uncool.
3. The fact that I’ve been bleeding now for 29 days straight. I thought in order to experience the glory of wearing panty liners for a month, you had to be AARP-eligible. Turns out you don’t. Fun fact.
4. My fear that I’ll never be able to love Blake as much as I love Brooke. But then, prior to Brooke, I thought I’d never be able to love a baby more than I loved my dog. And I do. Most days.
5. My abstinence ticker: 31 days and counting. As my husband knows, I start to get irritable if it’s been 3 or 4 days since the last time. We’ve now graduated from irritable to homicidal. I should become a cop.
I could go on, but then you might deduce that I’m a generally unhappy person. And I’m truly not (unless the Miami Hurricanes are playing football). So in the interest of cheering myself up, I thought I’d switch gears and chronicle those life occurrences that are half-grievances, half-awesome.
1. When you look back on old pictures of your child and realize that, contrary to what you believed at the time of posting, she actually wasn’t all that cute. Where you saw a Gerber baby contestant, others most likely saw a small, white Al Roker. But that’s okay, because she’s totally adorable today. I think.
2. When your baby takes a joint bath with daddy and, amongst all of the animal bath toys, finds a small (er, I mean large) snake hanging out between daddy’s legs. And, naturally, she tries to grab it. I haven’t seen my husband that uncomfortable since I started using his cell phone in our early days of dating.
3. When your baby gets angry with you and furrows her brow, wrinkles her nose, and snorts like a miniature bull. Much like mommy does when a non-related woman talks to daddy.
4. When your husband goes to retrieve your baby from her crib and she’s sitting up for the first time…in a pool of urine…having taken her own diaper off. No follow-up commentary necessary. Just close your eyes and enjoy the mental image.
5. When you cycle back through those pictures you posted, for the very reason that your child appeared less-than-fortunate looking. Because who doesn’t like embarrassing their innocent, infant spawn? The milk drunk ones were the best. Like a tiny Bill Cosby…only without the sexual assault. (Too soon?)
Now don’t you feel better? Because I sure do.
Lol, jk. Estrogen.